?

Today is not a good day. I started reading books. Twilight series to be exact. Though I hate admitting it. It makes me feel like one of those 13 year old, pimply faced, pre-pubescent teenagers. And I'm grown. I don't know what it is about the books. They open some door in my mind. They mess me up. I start thinking thoughts I know I shouldn't be thinking. Yeah, it sounds crazy to me too. I don't know if mabye the Chantix is helping this problem along also. Like everyone warned me. Is it helping this crazy, depression-like, dazed state? I feel messed up. I feel bad. It's like there's a cloud hanging over me. Like a weight on my chest. It feels like a 500 lbs. man is sitting on me. And I can't make it go away. I want to run away. I want to be away from my family. Bestie understands. She has a lot of the same feelings I do. Thank God for that. If she weren't in the same position where would I turn? But I can't spend every waking second with her. And that makes it harder. If she were around every minute of the day I'd have someone to talk to about it and that would make it easier.
I hurt.
What a messed up brain I must have? I sound completely ridiculous. I'm pretty happy when I'm reading. Mabye it's because my mind takes me away to where I'm reading so I'm not in the real world. It's almost like being high. Though I've never done drugs, I know the sensation. It's like while reading I'm fine I'm on a mountain top. As soon as I stop I come back down. Back to the valley. Back to reality. Reality sucks. And it's all so irrational. I know that! That's the bad part about it! I know I'm being completely ridiculous and irresponsible!
Mabye I'm bi-polar. I've waited about 5-10 minutes, and I'll feel slightly better.
And then it's back.
I think I am bi-polar? Mabe I just need medication or something? I know I definitely need sleep. That could help things a bit. I just want to sleep. For the next 5 years.
I can't write anymore.

Later