have i found you..

my heart hurts.
my soul is drooping.
my head is filled to the brim.
and all im looking for is a way out.
i want to flee.
to run far away.
to find that place i once new as home.
to feel the comfort. warmth. love.
but its gone.
floated away on the breeze.
on hiatus for all eternity.
no help to be found anywhere near.
no one to look in me and see sorrow.
no one to listen and truly understand.
such a lie i live.
if only it were so easy to give in.
if only lies could be made truth.
are they as happy as i believe?
why do i fool myself.
why do i do this to me.
and its getting worse.
building and building until it all falls down.
until i fall down.
i have but a thread holding me up.
one tiny, dwindling, frayed thread.
smaller and smaller it gets.
please dont break.
please hold on.
just one more minute.
thats all i need.
thats all i can take.
dont keep me here.
its not what i want.
ill sacrifice.
ill close my eyes.
if only for you.


words i wish could be some how turned into song. so true to my heart. if anyone who can write music, songs, lyrics, anything happens to stumble across this and can make something of it please, please let me know. my head is too jumbled. i cant think straight.
*the deepest sigh youve ever heard*

btw-listen to iron and wine. pure beauty.

later

S@%$!!

oh my blog!
rescue me.
i think its time for a time out. for me.
nap time's a comin.

i need nicotine. in large quantities.
and mabye a drink.

sheesh.

later

and shes back

finished reading all four books.
proud of myself. but i feel like theres nothing for me to do now.
its kind of sad. like when you get to the end of a really good movie and you want it to keep on going forever and forever so you wont lose that feeling.
ill deal.

besties here. awesomeness.
correction. she just left. that's cool though, probably need shut eye anyway.

i read the interview robert pattinson (or as we call him and think his name should legally be changed to -rpattz gold) did for gq magazine. i laughed my ass off. one of the best interviews ive ever read. either hes a really good liar or he just cuts the shit and doesnt care. id hope its the latter. he gains 1 coolness point. ha.

i can get back to real life now which kinda kicks ass. ive been neglecting things lately. errands i need to run and such. its hard/bad when you get so absorbed into something you cant pull yourself back to reality long enough to cash a check at the bank. silly me. itll be better now... i hope.

not taking the chantix anymore. a- i dont eat enough to take it, so when i do take it i either feel slightly nauseated or it feels like someone threw 1000 lit matches into my stomach. its not very comfortable. and b- i think it actually was making me depressed. i didnt want to kill myself or anything. i just felt like schnizznols. fa rizzrols. ill try again later. sorry to admit it, but i like to smoke. mabye later itll work. and ill quit.

im hoping hubby will give me a weekend away with bestie for mothers day. thats what i really want. to be able to just go somewhere for a couple days and not have to worry about anything. now i could do that alone, but wheres the fun in that? we'll hopefully go to dallas. hopefully. were both slightly strapped for cash. but i think we can make it work. we just wanna go stay in a decent hotel. mabye go to the art museum. and find some cool kind of "underground" places to hang around. nothing extravagant. low key. low price. mabye a little "grungy." thats how we roll. i hope it happens. i need some down time. and more than just one day of it.

im tired.
its late.
i think you can see where im going with this..

later

we can all sigh with relief..for now

better today.
not to worry.
cloud shifted.

as if anyone reads this..
; )

?

Today is not a good day. I started reading books. Twilight series to be exact. Though I hate admitting it. It makes me feel like one of those 13 year old, pimply faced, pre-pubescent teenagers. And I'm grown. I don't know what it is about the books. They open some door in my mind. They mess me up. I start thinking thoughts I know I shouldn't be thinking. Yeah, it sounds crazy to me too. I don't know if mabye the Chantix is helping this problem along also. Like everyone warned me. Is it helping this crazy, depression-like, dazed state? I feel messed up. I feel bad. It's like there's a cloud hanging over me. Like a weight on my chest. It feels like a 500 lbs. man is sitting on me. And I can't make it go away. I want to run away. I want to be away from my family. Bestie understands. She has a lot of the same feelings I do. Thank God for that. If she weren't in the same position where would I turn? But I can't spend every waking second with her. And that makes it harder. If she were around every minute of the day I'd have someone to talk to about it and that would make it easier.
I hurt.
What a messed up brain I must have? I sound completely ridiculous. I'm pretty happy when I'm reading. Mabye it's because my mind takes me away to where I'm reading so I'm not in the real world. It's almost like being high. Though I've never done drugs, I know the sensation. It's like while reading I'm fine I'm on a mountain top. As soon as I stop I come back down. Back to the valley. Back to reality. Reality sucks. And it's all so irrational. I know that! That's the bad part about it! I know I'm being completely ridiculous and irresponsible!
Mabye I'm bi-polar. I've waited about 5-10 minutes, and I'll feel slightly better.
And then it's back.
I think I am bi-polar? Mabe I just need medication or something? I know I definitely need sleep. That could help things a bit. I just want to sleep. For the next 5 years.
I can't write anymore.

Later

blah blah blah

One short thing before bed.

Bought new clothes- yay!
Bought new purse-yay!
Hung out with the bestie for a few-yay!
New moon refuses to come out till Nov.-boo!
My "t" key is still sticking?-boo!
Might watch Twilight at bestie's tomorrow-yay!

Later

Cutting my nose off

I have a cold. Or something similar to one. I need a bottle of Nyquil and 3 days straight sleep. My nose is stuffy and runny and itchy. I keep sneezing. It's like my whole face itches. I blows. I wish someone would just punch me in the face. Hopefully the baby doesn't get it.

My freaking "T" key is jacked up. I have to slam it to get it to work..? Annoying.

We're going to do New Moon up right. We may look ridiculous, but we'll look good. 2 lbd's. One for me and one for bestie. Slacks and dress shirts for the boys. We're going to go out for dinner, mabye sushi. Have a few side-cars or martinis. Then go see the movie. We'll just make it our own premiere.. cuz we're stupid and crazy like that =)

We actually have some $$ at the moment. I'm trying my best not to spend it on something we don't need. But I do need jeans.. I only have ONE pair that fit me right! All my other jeans are too big. And the ones I have from before baby are still a little too small. I do need jeans.

I talked to those people about the job. I'm not going to take it. I have to much stuff going on right now. Plus they shut down for summer in about a month. So what's the point?

Bestie's on her way back from new town. Mabye she'll swing by when she gets back. Hope so. I'm bored. Anyway..

Later

calgon take me away

I'm up.
I need a shower. Probably won't happen unless little man decides to take a nap sooner than normal. It's weird how that kid's put himself on a schedule. It's like he decided when he's taking naps and going to bed and I just follow along with it. I was going to be one of those mom's who makes out a schedule of when to feed and bathe him and when he takes naps and goes to bed. HA. I can't put myself on a schedule much less my son. Believe me.. I've tried to put myself on a schedule! I've had more day planners than any one person should. I always buy one (usually because I think it's cute) and I say I'm going to use it. I'll write down everything I have to do for that week, then I'll set it down somewhere, and find it the next year sometime. Then usually I laugh at the stupid stuff I wrote in it the year before. No schedules for me. It just doesn't happen that way.

Mabye bestie will call me today and we can hang out. She has to go to the "new town" this weekend to sign a lease on a townhouse. boo.

My bro and his girlfriend might me coming down tonight. That'll be nice. Haven't seen them in a while. And I love his girlfriend. I probably like her more than him. ha. She's a cool chick.

My son is currently shaking his booty to LazyTown. He's such a trip. And it's hillarious watching him "dance."

I think I'm getting sick. I've never really had allergies, but that could be it also. All I know is that my nose is slowly draining into the back of my throat. My throat has been itching for the last few days which makes me think it's allergies. Now it just kind of hurts. Probably because I've been coughing because my throat's been itching. Ugh. This is more annoying than anything. I don't have time for this crap!

My "schedule" is so freakin full right now. I'm going to talk to someone about a part-time job tomorrow. I can take baby boy with me, so that's cool. If I get it I'll be working just Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then I have baby boy's birthday in May. A shower for bestie in May. A dance recital to go to the same day of his birthday. A bachelorette party to plan. A possible lingerie shower to plan. The wedding in June. That's a lot of things that take time. And most of them take $$. On top of all that crap I have to make sure the bills get paid. And hubby's job is cutting hours like crazy right now. Damn economy.

I should go do something. Like workout. Or take a shower. Or sit here and watch Oswald. Hmm..

Later

a cheeseburger would be great right about now..

Back again.
My son's "party supplies" for his 1st birthday came in today. I've probably spent(will spend) more than necessary for such an occasion, but it's important to me. And I want it to be memorable. I can't believe he's almost 1 year old. It's ridiculous. It seems like it was only yesterday I was laying in a hospital bed. In labor. For 34 hours. And then finally taken into the O.R. for a C-section. Yeah, it took A LOT to get him here, but he's soo worth it. He's such a cute kid. I wish I could get him into modeling or pageants or something. I could be one of those awesome pageant moms. Giving him spray tans and paying $10,000 for new clothes. Getting his teeth whitened at 2 yrs old and putting him on a strict diet of sugar free gum and celery. (no offense to pageant moms out there, im just playing) (and for those of you who do things so ridiculous.. I have no words..)

Still looking at houses. Who knows if they'll even be there by the time we're actually able to buy! That's the annoying part! We have some other things to finish up before we actually buy a house. I hate wasting real estate agents time (kind of) but there are some houses that I like on the outside so much I want to see what the inside looks like. So sue me. Hopefully the one we really want is still on the market when we're actually able to buy it.

My best friend leaves in two months. She is moving 5 1/2 hours away. Ridiculous. I'm happy she's getting married and getting everything she wants, but it still blows. Once she's gone.. it'll be me and only me. Friends are few and far between for me. I don't get along well with others. They either annoy me, don't understand my sense of humor or sarcasm, or I just flat out don't like them. And there's no one like my bestie. It's hard to find someone with such a sense of cynicism as mine! And who lives in a dream world for the most part..

My head hurts.
I hope this chantix works. I have one cig left and that's scary to me. I hope I can actually quit this time.. but then again I don't want to. I wish I'd never started in the first place, but there's nothing I can do about that now. Other than quit.

I'm starving. I've had a total of mabye 700 calories today. 2 Slimfast drinks, a salad, a 100 cal. granola bar, and a 100 cal. bag of popcorn. I'm starving. I think that's why my head hurts.

I'm headed to bed. That little boy will be waking me up around 7 or 8 in the morning, and I'll be dead tired. Anything under 12 hours a night leaves me dragging.. and I don't ever get 12 hours a night. We'll see what happens..

Later

blog virgin

This is the first one. Yep. While my mind is constantly racing with numerous little quips, witty comments, and life lessons I could put on paper.. this is the first of who knows how many blogs. Question-what exactly is a "blog." Sorry to so quickly display my ignorance of these things, but I would like to know the origin of this word.
Oh the things I could write down here. The crazy, ridiculous things. Most people would think me crazy if I put down every little thought that made its way through my mind.
I'm 20. I was married when I was 18 and I have an 11 month old son. Ridiculous-I know. When I think of it myself it sounds crazy. I've grown. Oh how I've grown in the last 2 years. And now looking back (it's sad to say that at 20 years old) I question it sometimes. What would have happened had I not been married so young? What would I have done? Where would I have gone? Would I still be here? I love my husband. He treats me better than I deserve. No, I don't have some kind of self-esteem issue.. I just know how much of a bitch I can be at times. And oh how I love my baby. He is the most precious thing to ever walk this earth.
But still I wonder. Human nature I guess causes us to. But I wouldn't take it back for anything.

I love food. Mexican, Italian, Home cooked Southern-pretty much any and all. Since having my baby I have been struggling against this love-hate relationship. Damn that Hollywood..skinny bitches. I'm currently at 156 lbs. and 5'6. Bigger than I want for sure. At 140 I look pretty amazing. It's how I'm built that pulls it off I suppose. I just need to drop those last 16 lbs. I have employed slimfast to help me out with this endeavor. We'll see what happens.

I smoke. I know it's bad, but I started at 16 and if you've ever smoked you know the struggles. I just started taking Chantix to try to quit. Hopefully it doesn't make me craz....ier than usual. Btw I never smoke around my child. I would never endanger him in the way I do myself. He's innocent and can't decide for himself. He doesn't deserve that. And I won't do it to him.

I love my best friend. She's as crazy as me and we have such similar personalities it's ridiculous. We both(in some fantasy world) believe we can live above our means. At least we pretend we do. I guess it's a side affect from growing up in middle-class families in tiny tiny towns. We both aspire to create our own little world based on a popular CW show called Gilmore Girls. We also aspire to turn my husband and her fiance into sexy little vampires. Damn Twilight. She's moving soon*tear*and what will become of me I know not... She's who I run to when I have any sort of problem. When I'm pissed, sad, have good news, have gossip, or just need a nicotine break. But when June rolls around... who knows?

We(my husband and I) have decided to move to a larger town(not far away)and sell the land and horses we own. I'm still amazed my husband(the cowboy) is amazingly gung-ho about the whole thing. I didn't grow up in a "ranching, riding horses, or cowboy-oriented" house-hold. We did nothing like that. Nor his family. But when I entered 9th grade, something in my brain snapped and I decided I was a cowgirl. That's the reason my husband and I were first so attracted to each other. But now.. I don't want that lifestyle anymore. And thank God he doesn't either. We're moving. Thank God we're moving.

I need to go call my bestie now. Find out if she's off work and what might be going on. I need out of this house for awhile.

Later..